"once u get a taste of something so real, u want it even more.
u hope for it even more and dream of every second of it.
i learned that as much as u want it, sometimes u cant always
have it forever :( things arent always meant to be the way u want.
but can only pray for 10x better.
i miss everything about it."


I wrote that in my previous post at the beginning of 2014.
Its now a new year- 2015.

The feeling of wanting to give your everything to one person
but they can't do the same because they're broken.  They blame
their past, they say "you deserve better", and "why do you even want
to be with me so bad".

Why does it hurt so much? Why can't
it be mutual?  You say you love me, you want me, you're perfect,
you're beautiful but you end up being afraid to accept all of me.

I'm willing to give you everything.  To make you forget about your
past, to hide your insecurities, to be happy, and in love.

Is this how it feels to be heart broken?  When the other person doesn't
want to be with you anymore. Bad thoughts run through my head.
How can I live without you? You're all I want.  We made memories-
good and bad.  Everything's so numb.  I find peace when I workout
or when i'm asleep.  It makes me forget about everything, reality.
I don't want reality if you're not in it with me.

I spent my new years shedding tears in front of you because you
don't want us anymore yet i was still happy to be right next to you.

If you don't want this anymore and keep saying you want better
for me than theres only so much I can do to keep fighting for us.

I'm tired myself.  I want you to give me your all but at the same
time I dont want to force you.  I want you to be happy and love
yourself.

You fell for me hard and i didn't want to have anything to do with you.
And now its opposite.  I can't get enough of you and you don't want
it anymore.  I always ask you "what did i do wrong"? but you respond
"its me, not you".
you dont talk to me the same like you did when you were in "love" with me.
i see it in the way you look at me, talk to me. i miss you so much.

I miss being in your arms, i miss constantly looking at you and you saying
"why are your staring, stop"
you were always scared of me staring at you because you knew i was in love
and you didnt want that to change one day.

I never gave someone my everything, the way i did to you.
i'm afraid to do it again.
i dont want to get hurt anymore.

Maybe one day you'll realize that i'm the one for you.
i will fight to make it last. to make you happy.
I don't believe in giving up just like that especially
for someone you care deeply about.
If anything, you deserve my love.

I love you till this day.  You were my first love.
time goes by so fast and you really have to cherish it
because you never really know if that person will just
get up and leave one day :(

I hope for a better future for me.  I hope to see you still.
I would love to finish with my college degree, get a career that
i only hoped and dreamed of, travel around the world with
you in my arms.  Eventually live together and have
a beautiful big family.  I dream so much and only hope
you're with me.  I love you :(