"once u get a taste of something so real, u want it even more.
u hope for it even more and dream of every second of it.
i learned that as much as u want it, sometimes u cant always
have it forever :( things arent always meant to be the way u want.
but can only pray for 10x better.
i miss everything about it."


I wrote that in my previous post at the beginning of 2014.
Its now a new year- 2015.

The feeling of wanting to give your everything to one person
but they can't do the same because they're broken.  They blame
their past, they say "you deserve better", and "why do you even want
to be with me so bad".

Why does it hurt so much? Why can't
it be mutual?  You say you love me, you want me, you're perfect,
you're beautiful but you end up being afraid to accept all of me.

I'm willing to give you everything.  To make you forget about your
past, to hide your insecurities, to be happy, and in love.

Is this how it feels to be heart broken?  When the other person doesn't
want to be with you anymore. Bad thoughts run through my head.
How can I live without you? You're all I want.  We made memories-
good and bad.  Everything's so numb.  I find peace when I workout
or when i'm asleep.  It makes me forget about everything, reality.
I don't want reality if you're not in it with me.

I spent my new years shedding tears in front of you because you
don't want us anymore yet i was still happy to be right next to you.

If you don't want this anymore and keep saying you want better
for me than theres only so much I can do to keep fighting for us.

I'm tired myself.  I want you to give me your all but at the same
time I dont want to force you.  I want you to be happy and love
yourself.

You fell for me hard and i didn't want to have anything to do with you.
And now its opposite.  I can't get enough of you and you don't want
it anymore.  I always ask you "what did i do wrong"? but you respond
"its me, not you".
you dont talk to me the same like you did when you were in "love" with me.
i see it in the way you look at me, talk to me. i miss you so much.

I miss being in your arms, i miss constantly looking at you and you saying
"why are your staring, stop"
you were always scared of me staring at you because you knew i was in love
and you didnt want that to change one day.

I never gave someone my everything, the way i did to you.
i'm afraid to do it again.
i dont want to get hurt anymore.

Maybe one day you'll realize that i'm the one for you.
i will fight to make it last. to make you happy.
I don't believe in giving up just like that especially
for someone you care deeply about.
If anything, you deserve my love.

I love you till this day.  You were my first love.
time goes by so fast and you really have to cherish it
because you never really know if that person will just
get up and leave one day :(

I hope for a better future for me.  I hope to see you still.
I would love to finish with my college degree, get a career that
i only hoped and dreamed of, travel around the world with
you in my arms.  Eventually live together and have
a beautiful big family.  I dream so much and only hope
you're with me.  I love you :(

new year. new post.

my last entry was back in march of last year ..and i can really say
ive gone through so much.

i travelled to the other side of the world and experienced something
i cant put into words. every moment of it is still a dream to me. my mind
still lives in it.
i came across obstacles that i particularly dont regret but can erase.
and i experienced something that puts all the previous blog posts i wrote about
in the past to worthless. nothing back then didnt matter.

once u get a taste of something so real, u want it even more.
u hope for it even more and dream of every second of it.
i learned that as much as u want it, sometimes u cant always
have it forever :( things arent always meant to be the way u want.
but can only pray for 10x better.
i miss everything about it.

im scared of time.
i realize how fast im growing. how much older my parents are.
the things ive already been through.
it scares me. every bit of it.
time is my nightmare.
i long for the past and my future.

but i been happy.
im focusing on me. i love everything about myself.
i feel stronger. in control of my mind, my body, my spirit.
God is good to me.

wow..its been a new year since i posted.
funny reading at what i wrote. 

i was young, stupid, and naive thinking back at all that has happend then till now..
but somehow im still the same.
same worries, same situations

but more knowledge, more experience.

i been working. i been going to school.

i been hurt. hurt hard. 
every night i still think about someone who wasnt even mine.
how is that even possible? someone that couldve been something
at one point but all cause of my selfish ways. my insecurity. my fear.
im the one to blame. 
i question myself...is it him that i miss or just the memories we've made?
they say memories soon fade but i remember them so vividly.
is it cause it was something that i never experienced before?
that look, that touch? 
i can feel the pain in my heart. a feeling that cant be described but hurt.

i catch myself day dreaming so much. 
a little too much to the point where it's affecting the process
of me getting to that dream.

i wanna go places.
i wanna see the world.
every corner of it.
be free.
run free.
but all with you.
lets just drop all we got and leave.
together.
eat all the good food.
experience every culture.
watch the sunrise.
breath fresh air.
take pictures.
make love underneath the stars.
dance to every beat.
drink till we're wasted.
smoke till we're high.
sing to every song.
dream together.
gripped hands. big hugs. hard kisses.
explore every bit of nature.
and not have a care.
i want it all. 

i always start off saying, wow havent written on this in awhile.

haha but its true. 

i was deciding weather or not if i should keep my previous posts and starting fresh.

but i just read the one before this...and boy was i funny! lol 

its crazy how much my thoughts change in a span of time but then again not really.

i have been feeling down lately. maybe its cause i been so busy

that i dont really have much time to do what i want to do.  Even

though all this work and school will payoff in the long run. im just content right now.

and thats the problem. i dont like being content.  i want to be happy, to its full extent. 

but really, i think its impossible as this time. 

been lonely lately.

my sister left for the grand canyon last week, my parents in a different house doing their 

own thing, got in an argument with two of my closest friends.  

i thought of a quote: It’s hard to find someone that cares more than you, yourself, that does too much of it.

basically, i care a little too much. as much as i want/ have these expectation for someone to give back

to me, it never goes through. which hurts me.  I guess some people just dont think the way i do.  They

dont know what i want. and im not the kind to tell them to do it because it has to come naturally.  

is it wrong to care too much?? maybe i should careless.

I just wish that there was someone there for me 100%.  Knows my exact wants and needs.  Some say that its your soulmate or best friend.  And for some reason, i dont feel like i have any of that going on anywhere.  Family is different. 

anyways, tomorrow is my last day of maymester for business calc and payday!

im thinking of buying something nice for me this weekend, cause i know i deserve it :)

 happy friday!! 

Haven't written in a while...
Been busy with school somewhat
Less than three weeks then I have summer
School right after.

Lots of things have been bothering me lately.
Maybe I'm feeling alone. I have everyone I need
Around me, but it's like I'm tired of it.. Not necessarily
Them.. But idk its Hard to explain.
Maybe I just want someone that I can
Really talk to. Family is different, friends
Come and go. No one understands my bullshit life.
A life that I'm not enjoying right now.
I'm tired of school, I'm tired of the nonsense and
Wasted time on the Internet..except right now cause
I'm venting to a nonexistent person/stalker. Idk
Feeling uninspired than how I use to be, not
Getting what I want, feeling unhealthy,
List goes on.
What I want to be when I'm older anymore..but there's
Really no turning back anymore or it's a waste of
Money. Yep fucking money. Something I despise.
Another thing that I'm not employed.
I want to be able to buy what I want. I remember
At one point I was making good money... I was happy.

Money is the root of all evil. It really is.
Something that humans are so attached to though.
What we live for to make us happy.

I want to go places. Get out of this joke city
With a bunch of unwanted people in my life.

Is that to harsh? Nope. Cause I mean it.
If it feels real to you than nothing matters.
I know what I want in life. It's just the fucking
Process that everyone has to go through to get
To their destination. Some people have it easier
Than others which is unfair. Causes envy inside of me.
But fuck them. Everyones a hater and has a hater.

Some people r annoying me at the moment. Some don't get it.
Their oblivious to what I want and how they should fix that.
I'm selfish. But I really don't say anything out loud.
And if I ever did...boy I'd have a shitload to say.

thoughts

havent written in awhile...




been on a roll for the past two nights watching films.


i watched the movie kids (1995) and the kite runner (2007).


both made me tear up, especially the kite runner of course.
just seeing how everyone lives different lives. kids was 
about...well obviously kids..growing up in new york,
surrounded by sex, drugs, and alcohol. thats what they 
lived for. stealing money from their parents, liquor from the stores,
having sex like its nothing at a young age, passing 
around stds. getting wasted, trespassing, and fights.
and to them, that was considered their childhood.


after watching the kite runner, its crazy to think how different
the kids in afghanistan were like... being brought up
surrounded by war.


theres a quote that said "theres alot of children in 
afghanistan, but little childhood".- Khaled Hosseini.


at a very young age, they're already seeing destruction and
fighting for their own lives and family. after watching
i did some research on the taliban...although i heard about
it growing up and whatnot with the whole 9/11...
i didnt know much about it and its all crazyness
that we dont think about everyday..but situations
like this happen outside of the us. 
wars are going on, starvation, sex slavery, abuse, etc
i can go on...


im truly blessed being born and raised american.
to me, theres the good and bad part about it. 


seeing how much freedom we have in this land,
we take advantage of it...that we lose that
sense of culture from where our family is originally from.
seeing many american children today... it hurts
me sometimes to say that we lost a sense of respect to ourselves.
those values and beliefs. 
being seen a certain way from people outside of our land and 
having that stereotype of being an american child. 
not saying im a bad child...idk i know what im talking about
but its really hard to explain :/


i can see why many people would love to come to america "the melting pot"
but also why they wouldnt want to...their land and people
are precious, something they dont want to lose. 

havent posted in awhile and this blog seems like its missing everything interesting that has happened :( to text and photos. oh well! lifeeee goes on! hahah anyways the two photos below...well first one is obviously me. got my aa bone chiffon skirt that im excited to wear more during the summer~ and the pic below is of my great grandparents. my dads side of the family think i have similar features to my great grandmother. shes filipina and i just found out with some portuguese . my great grandfather on the other hand is pure spanish blood from madrid.  i love learning about my ancestors, which we're doing a ancestry trace back in my history class...looking forward to it!! 

Ugh can't sleep. Slept a good amount of hours during the day. Lots of nothing on my mind. So I'm kinda liking this whole mw schedule..lots of free time now..more like a lot of sleeping and eat. I ate out so much this week. I kid u not I had bill millers like four times. Haha oh well, it's so good! I like all my classes so far at vista, everyone seems a lot friendlier and it's really calming with the lake on campus lol. I just listen to music and write. Anyways I guess i have to get some rest since I'm gonna try and wake up early. Dads taking me to a BBQ event tomorrow that I'm excited and hungry about!!! Goodnight

do it like a dude cover- jesse j

with my sister

Today is something I've been wanting for awhile like I talked about in my previous posts...alone time! Definitely a great way to start my first day of the new years! Did absolutely nothing but just sleep in and relax. Last night was fun..went downtown with my sister and dad to eat at mi Tierra which was a really cute restaurant. We had a mariachi play historia de un amor which my dad requested..a song my grandpa use to sing to my grandma. It meant a lot to me..my last visit to Sacramento, the guys in our family love singing old spanish folk songs because my grandpa was a spanish speaker. My grandma is half spanish blood, which they are so proud of being..as am i! So when they played the song, it just brought back so many memories when i was in cali last winter singing songs with my family! Which also saddens me because my grandpa is very sick at the moment..but i pray whatever God has planned for him, that he will always be with Him :) saw some of downtown lights, then went to see the fireworks at la cantera overlooking fiesta Texas. It sure was breathtaking :) ended the night with my sister trying out pink sake. It wasn't to bad...but the bottle was definately deceiving bein pink and pretty haha. Finished watching the sisterhood of the traveling pants by myself an hour ago...and gosh I can repeat that movie! I love Lena and Kostas love story! I find myself very similar to Lena. Some may disagree but I believe so. Very shy and innocent, or perceived as so. She falls in love with Kostas in Greece! Ughh which makes everything just better! Kostas is very attractive and a man! Hahah anyways I can go on about the movie and how much love them and want my first love to be all romantic and in a beautiful country haha but I'm gonna go to bed. Oh and before I end it...forgot to mention my big decision. I decided that I'm taking all my classes at vista this semester and none at utsa. At first I didn't want to because of the whole thought on community college..but really it's whatever now.. Gonna finish my basics, hopefully all done by this summer, save money, and do flight attending when I finish my associates! I'm really excited about this plan! All though I hate making new years resolutions..I made one anyways. Its do what I want to do..like nicki minaj said..I bowed down to everyone, it's my time now :) so yes that's my resolution for 2012, which includes living a healthier lifestyle.. I mean it will benefit me in the longrun, be more creative, try new foods and see what God has to offer in this world. Happy new years!!

Wy-i × Spirited Away

Wy-i × Spirited Away

^^^^^i love it!!! definitely plan on making a b&w video with this :))

i guess your feelings do get somewhat hurt when shit happens like that

ugh i dont know...im not in the mood right now. its 2:12am and i sorta got
done watching the art of getting by. it was an okay/slow/boring movie..fell asleep
towards the end, but i already knew what was going to happen. yep, they fall in love.
George, the main character quoted at the beginning that really hit me for some reason
"we're born alone we die alone and everything is just an illusion"
idk how i feel about this for some reason or really how to even make sense
with this blog post. tomorrow is new years, which im always excited for
a fresh start..but at the same time not up for it. i feel that this coming year wont
be as good as i ended it. well of course in particular cases. maybe im just bored,
maybe im just waiting for something/someone to come to me. and yes ill say it,
cause im sure plenty feel the same way. someone to love you, give attention to you.
of course i have family. i have a few friends that i really feel that i put in all the
effort for, but nothing in return. is that too harsh? maybe just a little or im exaggerating.
but thats what im talking about..im just bored of everything. bored of school,
bored of the same thing with my family and friends (in a certain way), bored of 
the city im in. i dont feel like i belong here, theres way more out in this world.
everyone always says u gotta work up to it...idk i see it as u gotta just go for it.
hmm im sure this doesnt make sense to anyone reading it..but it does to me.
but i guess all i can hope for is a better year- 
find a way for more excitement and to not be just content. 

finally

a day all to myself! something i have been asking for! lol
weekend was christmas, so i spent time with family at mom and dads.
monday, woke up around the afternoon and went to ingram and lackland
with my dad. wow havent been to ingram in awhile..and boy did it get ghetto! haha
later that night, i went to the spurs game with my dad since he got two free tickets
against the memphis and hey why not, ive always wanted to go to a spurs game
just to experience it..i mean i do live in san antonio.  our seats were super
close to the court, like ten seats back! spurs won :) i saw a few good looking
basketball players! lol and their hot bods! ohhh and before the game, manu ginobili
was signing autographs, i didnt have anything to sign, but i snapped a few photos!
and hes darn cute!!! him and his lil argentinian self!! haha
yesterday was quite exciting! i starred in my friends first short film series called "let love lift you"
never realized how fun acting would be...what a job, i mean ur paid good, cameras on you, act,
and thats basically it! lol i also did the voice overs which was weird hearing myself talk...
pretty excited for the final :) and now im here at home...enjoying this afternoon
all to myself! my sister went off to eat korean with her friends. i woke up about
30 mins ago, ate a bowl of lucky charms. and now im laying in bed, with my window
wide open~ the weather looks perfect!! i have work at 6...which im not looking forward
to...but whatever i need mula! lol i cant wait till seasonal is over with...i want a new job!
anyways i can go on forever..but im gonna try to clean around my room, redecorate...something
i been wanting to do, and burn some incense <3

moms filipino dishes

 AFRITADA

and my favorite sourrrr sinigang na manok <3 been craving it for awhile now!!! 

WANT

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldn't it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
We could be married
And then we'd be happy

Wouldn't it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn't it be nice

Good night my baby
Sleep tight my baby

$1 thrifted horse watch :)

first purchase with my urban employee discount lol the thing i was talking about in the post before

sonic foot long!! love hot dogs!!

bi bim bap from go hyang jip

bought incense from the new store at la cantera called nomads!

ugh, a little disappointed.. havent really been able to have good quality time to myself lately which i was hoping for this break. been busy with work, hanging out with old friends or ones that are leaving home for break, or my sleep schedule has been way off..making me wake up in the afternoon, wasting my whole day. i been wanting to do something crafty. i went to hobby lobby in hopes of finding fringe to make a replica of the american apparel white scooped shirt/dress..but didnt have the kind of fringe i wanted. so no luck there! i been really into fringe and whites lately! i recently got my first purchase with my employee discount at urban and got a fringe robe that i absolutely love! and yes its a robe...but im sure i can pull it off my wearing it out lol one of my good friends is casting me in his short film as main/only character sometime next week! kinda nervous just cause ive never really acted or been on camera before...but the script looks simple and cute! i plan on wearing the fringe robe, cause it goes well with the whole concept in my opinion, unless he tells me otherwise. oh and speaking of being on camera, i been eating out so much this week!! lunch and dinner! i need to cut it, dont wanna look like a baluga on camera lol but after tomorrow, cause im having korean for lunch! i still want to go downtown and see the lights!! and i wanna go ice skating, bake cup cakes, and go to a symphony or something! ughh and the beach!! next week my dads off for the whole week and hopefully my schedule is pretty clear, cause we plan on taking a drive somewhere. our plan was originally louisiana, but hmm idk! hopefully after christmas my schedule opens up for a lil more free time for me!